6 years ago...

6 years ago today I married my best friend, Rob. It was a gloriously beautiful day topped off by a full blown snow storm in Parry Sound! My sister-in-law went into labour the morning of our wedding but still manages to make it, even in labour! We had a super small wedding in a restaurant called the Log Cabin, fully decorated for Christmas. We only invited our families, a total of 24 people. We cut out most of Rob's extended family because it is so large.
It was one of the most wonderful days of my life although it seems like it was a lifetime ago. If he asked me again I would marry him in a heartbeat. Rob is my best friend and husband and the father of my beautiful children. We have our ups and downs just like any married couple does but at the end of the day we love each other more than anything!
Happy 6th Anniversay Rob, I can' wait to celebrate many more with you!

All the emotions

This time of year is extremely hard for me. We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries,Christmas and New Years and still I feel this heaviness in my heart. I am not sure that it will ever go away. 5 years ago yesterday I gave birth to the most special boy, from that day forward I have loved him more than anything and I gaze at him with wonderment at the boy that he has become. this doesn't take away the feelings of sadness and anxiety that I felt when we were faced with the reality that he had Down syndrome. Everyone always looks at me and says "look at him he is doing amazing" and I know this is true but it has nothing to do with Liam and who he is it has to do with unresolved feelings from that time.
It all started with Liam being jaundiced and the doctor telling us that he had to go under double phototherapy for a couple of days. A few hours later a geneticist comes to tell us that they are taking his blood to do some genetic testing. I don't remember a lot of this conversation but I do remember her telling us that we would not likely hear from the hospital as he had very few signs of Down syndrome.
So much went on from that day until we got the actual diagnosis I think that I actually just went numb. I celebrated my first wedding anniversary in the hospital while my little boy was having phototherapy. We finally arrived home in the afternoon on Christmas Eve and now when I look back at pictures of that time I feel so sad because I look so vacant and so sad.
I need to explain that I am not sad because Liam has Down syndrome but the memories of how i felt waiting for that news makes me sad. I find that this is the time of the year where I will spontaneously begin to cry and my mind is always so far away.
I am proud of Liam and all that he has accomplished. I think he is absolutely amazing. He is loving, sweet, bright, friendly, happy and very talented. I couldn't have asked for a more special boy. I still have no idea what the future holds for him but I know that as a family we will deal with anything.
Every year at this time I relive those emotions and I hope that one day they won't seem so fresh but I know they will always be there.
No matter what the thing thing that I will remember the most is holding my brand new baby in my arms knowing he was the most beautiful baby ever and nothing will ever make those memories go away.
Happy birthday baby bear, I love you sooooooo much!!!

Down syndrome Awareness Week

This week, November 1 to 7, is Down syndrome Awareness week.  This is the time that we take to reflect on how our lives have changed because of someone that we know that has Down syndrome.  I have written a short acrostic poem that sums up some of the words that come to mind when I think of Down syndrome. 

Differences
One of a kind
Wonderfully loving
No regrets

Special people
Young and old
Never underestimate
Dreams
Rare
One more chromosome
More typical than different
Excellent hugs

Dear Liam,
You are a special light in all of our lives.  You touch everyone that you meet.  I wouldn't change you for the world.  I hope you always know how much your family loves and appreciates your differences.  Life with  you is never boring!
Love Mommy

One of those days

I should be sleeping right now but I am afraid to close my eyes. Like if I shut them something else bad will happen to Liam and I think he has been through enough for one day. Daddy took him to the park and that is where the drama begins. I answer the phone to Rob yelling to come and get him because Liam has fallen and he thinks his arm may be broken, all I can hear in the background is Liam screaming. I race upstairs and yank Eva from her nap, throw her coat and shoes on and get her in the car. We pick Liam and Rob up on the street, he is carrying a crying Liam in his arms. We head to Milton hospital. They take him right in, xray him and tell us that he will need to be taken to a children's hospital where they will likely do surgery. Liam fell off the playground equipment from a height of about 5.5 to 6 feet onto his arm and back. He has fractured his elbow and will need surgery to fix it. Sick kids in Toronto call and say that they can take him so we get Liam in the car and Eva too and head down there where my sister in law will meet us and take Eva home with her. Thank goodness for family. I would just like to point out that Liam has not cried since they stabalized his arm with a splint at Milton hospital, he is very mellow and quiet and obviously exhausted. At one point at Milton hospital he turns to me and says "been a long day mommy" right you are Liam! We meet the doctors at Sick Kids and they confirm that he will need surgery and that they can do it right away. I am petrified but am keeping strong. Liam keeps telling us that he "feel better mommy, go home now" and I so wish I could take him home. We head up to the OR with him and then comes the worst time ever when with tears in my eyes I say goodbye to him right before they wheel him away. Rob and I hold each other and cry a little then head to the waiting room to wait. 2 hours later he is in the recovery room and he is doing well. Right now I am watching him sleep peacefully and I am hoping that the morphine will keep the pain away for awhile so he can get the healing rest his body needs. I always hope this is our last visit to the hospital but right now I am thankful that we have the wonderful hospitals that we do because they truly helped my family today, and that is greatly appreciated. Sleep well little bear, tomorrow is a new day...

Another rainy day

When you think about motherhood you don't ever think about the boring, endless rainy days.  We're on our second running of Sesame Street's All Star Alphabet at Liam's request and I am thinking to myself that my children are going to fail at life because they have spent the past few hours sitting in front of the boob tube.  I hate rainy days!  Liam has now completely stripped himself and is running around the house naked...it's going to be a long evening unless I can find something to do to occupy their little minds!