All the emotions

This time of year is extremely hard for me. We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries,Christmas and New Years and still I feel this heaviness in my heart. I am not sure that it will ever go away. 5 years ago yesterday I gave birth to the most special boy, from that day forward I have loved him more than anything and I gaze at him with wonderment at the boy that he has become. this doesn't take away the feelings of sadness and anxiety that I felt when we were faced with the reality that he had Down syndrome. Everyone always looks at me and says "look at him he is doing amazing" and I know this is true but it has nothing to do with Liam and who he is it has to do with unresolved feelings from that time.
It all started with Liam being jaundiced and the doctor telling us that he had to go under double phototherapy for a couple of days. A few hours later a geneticist comes to tell us that they are taking his blood to do some genetic testing. I don't remember a lot of this conversation but I do remember her telling us that we would not likely hear from the hospital as he had very few signs of Down syndrome.
So much went on from that day until we got the actual diagnosis I think that I actually just went numb. I celebrated my first wedding anniversary in the hospital while my little boy was having phototherapy. We finally arrived home in the afternoon on Christmas Eve and now when I look back at pictures of that time I feel so sad because I look so vacant and so sad.
I need to explain that I am not sad because Liam has Down syndrome but the memories of how i felt waiting for that news makes me sad. I find that this is the time of the year where I will spontaneously begin to cry and my mind is always so far away.
I am proud of Liam and all that he has accomplished. I think he is absolutely amazing. He is loving, sweet, bright, friendly, happy and very talented. I couldn't have asked for a more special boy. I still have no idea what the future holds for him but I know that as a family we will deal with anything.
Every year at this time I relive those emotions and I hope that one day they won't seem so fresh but I know they will always be there.
No matter what the thing thing that I will remember the most is holding my brand new baby in my arms knowing he was the most beautiful baby ever and nothing will ever make those memories go away.
Happy birthday baby bear, I love you sooooooo much!!!